August 13th 1.12am]
I have been slowly pulling myself together this past week. Who would have figured that a week at Lacey's sleepy and messy townhouse would bring me any clarity? I owe a lot of it to Steve (I hate to say) because he did his best to get me this job at Delta Sonic in Tinley. But then Parkshore Condominiums remembers me at the worst time, and Christine Friend e-mailed me to set up an interview. I would LOVE to get my foot in the door with something more real estate related, but doing so would compromise any free time I could have.
If worse comes to worst, I have the job at Delta. I really don't like the idea of the car wash... but money IS money. And I need money. A lot of it. I feel so guilty. I haven't paid my storage bill; I haven't checked my bank account in weeks (and I'm pretty sure it's incredibly overdrawn); I owe people money including Danovich, my mom, my dad, and my sister. I hate being this far in debt. Not to mention, my car payment is due in like a week. I've never felt this financially unstable and... worthless.
BUT... I'm pretty satisfied with my life direction. Right now I essentially have two options: Real estate and explosives. Kind of an odd combination, huh? Lol. I want to blow shit up or renovate and resell it. And I'm kind of thinking that I need to physically map out my life plan. Yeah, with pen and paper. I want to map out my deadlines for decisions and accomplishments. Such as, "December 2009 - Have Real Estate License." You get it?
But it will take some time and thought.
I really want to get involved in some artwork again. I have been thinking a lot about working with woods, stains, metals, and oils - as a mixed media. I would be happy using my room as some sort of starting block. Right now it's a little childish and sloppily put together, because my mom would rather buy 100 cheap and wobbly accessories than one really nice piece of furniture. But, my goal is to create pieces that will work well wherever I end up. And ultimately, I'd like to get my own apartment by this time next year. As long as I've saved enough.
And as for today's actual events, I hung out with Jasser and Rabi. Haha, a weird event. Rabi is really, incredibly nice. He's also just really, incredibly arrogant and at times condescending. Not towards me, but Jasser. I admire his cocky attitude, though. It's always nice to see a confident guy. He has every reason to be, too. He's intelligent, mature, well put-together, healthy (he's studying to be dietician), and genuine. But he's obsessed with controlling his girlfriends lol. I don't think we could ever date lol, but he's a good example of what I'd be looking for in someone.
I need to get my insurance money so I can pay for school!
And I really have this insatiable desire to shop. :( Probably because I'm so broke. And I feel like making my financial situation worse because I just gave up trying.
Devin just picked up Marco. He's really quiet and it bugs me. THIS is why Rabi looks so fucking cool right now; he has personality lol.
By the way, I feel a little less uptight lately. I think it's my forced optimism. :) Whatever, it works.
April 17th 11.05pm]
This is so strange using this thing again! lol
But writing is therapeutic. And life is stressful. SO. It only makes sense.
Where shall I begin? First of all, I had a wonderful drive up to Chicago today. I decided to switch it up a little bit and I cruised on 41N all the way to Hammond, IN so I could be amazed by the windmill farms. It was certainly worth it. I also arrived in 5 hours (as opposed to six) while using only a half tank of gas! How lovely. I over-played the hell out of Augustana and Coldplay (my quintessential driving music) until I had listened so many times I could begin to tell which order the shuffle option was playing in. I fall in love with Chris Martin and Dan Layus more and more every road trip I take.
Well, I'm finally quitting smoking. It's to the point now where a cigarette isn't even satisfying after a drink (Like I drink, lol). But seriously, I can't even finish one. Thank goodness. Because my heart is starting to hurt again. That sounds painfully emo, but I think I truly do have some serious heart problems. Sometimes the pain is so intense I think I could pass out. Can you believe that joke of a doctor told me I needed a warm bath!? I hate doctors. HATE! What an idiot! I should have asked him to put that in writing so I could file a malpractice suit against him. What a piece of shit! A warm bath?! Yeah. That makes my ventricle stronger, buddy! A bubble bath really makes my aorta decide to stop being such a jokester! Idiot. He doesn't deserve a license to practice medicine.
Psh. "practice medicine." What the hell does that mean? These doctors don't practice medicine. They push pills. OMG. I need to write an exposé! I love exposés. I could read them all day. :)
I'm also pretty drained.
I'm in love.
I'm pretty happy.
I'm a money-spender.
I AM EXCITED!
December 13th 12.55am]
Every day is getting better. I keep hoping things will turn out alright. I'm so excited. Every day I've been so happy and things are definitely looking up. Not in all aspects of life, but in one. I raised a lot of money for charity this year, something that makes me smile when I think about it. I'm doing good for others around me and it's just an amazing feeling.
I haven't been upset in I don't know how long. How can anybody live any other way? I think this year has taught me a lot, and I'm so eager to keep adding to that knowledge or wisdom or whatever it should be categorized as.
I'm so excited to see what tomorrow brings! I wish everybody felt like this.
July 23rd 12.36am]
|| fucking PISSED OFF
I had a great day today. But people really piss me off. I hate pessimistic people. I hate people with no drive, no justification, and completely reparable problems that remain untouched.
I hate when I end up bitching about people who don't stop bitching, cause then I turn into a hypocrite. Shit.
Why doesn't anybody learn to DO anything?? Why does everybody just sit around? Who the hell expects things to fall into their lap? Where is the MOTIVATION HERE?
Maybe I should get lazy so I can get happy and stop being so frustrated.
I am in such a shitty mood.
BYE damnit, bye.
|THE ANNUAL 2-HOUR LONG SURVEY
June 29th 9.39am]
:+: The Basics :+:
1. What’s the time now? 9:40 AM
2. Full name? Paris Flores
3. Birthday? December 18th 1989
4. Location? Evansville, IN
5. School/mascot/colours? Harrison High School - Red/Black/Warriors..?
6. Zodiac sign? Sagittarius
7. Shoe size? 8½
8. Height? 5'6
9. Weight? 127 lbs
10. Pets? None.. :( But I want some ducks.
11. Siblings? 5
12. Eye colour? Brown
13. Hair colour? Dark Brown
14. Hair length? About an inch above/at the shoulders
15. Ever died your hair? Yes but I'd NEVER do it again
16. What colour? "Prismatic Black" but it just.. washed out and stuff. :(
17. Grade? Senior
18. Are you good in school? Not last year, but I plan on really trying this year.. lol
19. Hobbies? Work pretty much
20. Nicknames? Spyda Legs, as of late, "Frenchie" (Jim Peck you weirdo.)
21. What languages do you speak? One and ½
22. Do you play sports? I hate sports..
23. Where were you born? Blue Island, IL
24. Are you a night or a morning person? Definitely a night person
25. Are you ticklish? HAHAHA EVERYWHERE
26. Do you believe in god? No.
27. Do you have any other screen names? None that I use anymore
28. What are they? Just one. YouAreStellar 6
29. Do you have braces? Getting them this year!
30. Do you have glasses/ contacts? Finally. And I went all-out and got 3 pairs.
:+: Getting Personal :+:
31. What do you want to be when you grow up? Right now it's looking like steel and scrap metal
32. What was the worst day of your life? It's hard to choose.. haha
33. What is your most embarrassing story? I'm embarrassed daily, so.. lol
34. What has been the best day of your life? Getting my own apartment
35. What comes first in your life? The people that mean the most to me
36. Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend/crush? Yes a boyfriend
37. What are you most scared of? Throwing up. =x
38. If you had an extra set of eyes were would you put them? I wouldn't want an extra set of eyes..
39. What do you usually think about before you go to bed? The next day's plans and objectives
40. What do you regret the most? Half of Sophomore/Junior year
41. If you could be anything without consequences, what would you be? A HOOKER! Seriously.. lol
42. Movie? Donnie Darko
43. Song? Stellar or Oil and Water by Incubus... and Stop and Stare by OneRepublic
44. Band/group? Incubus / OneRepublic
45. Store? Hollister / AE
46. Relative? My fasha
47. Sport? Baseball
48. Vacation spot? lol Evansville.
49. Ice cream flavour? Mint chocolate chip - the green kind
50. Fruit? Mangos
51. Candy? Twizzlers
52. Car? hahah umm.. a pink camaro? one that's a tad older though lol.
53. Class? Marketing
54. Holiday? New Years Eve
55. Day of the week? Saturday
56. Color? Oh it's hard to tell..
57. Magazine? Cosmo.. lol my bible.
58. Name for a girl? For once I'm indecisive
59. Name for a boy? Christopher
60. Sports team? Definitely the White Sox
61 Month? June
62. Man athlete? ...
63. Female athlete? .. !?
64. Actress? Angelina Jolie
65. Actor? Steve Carrell
66. TV show? People's Court.. lol
67. Web site? Facebook
68. Animal? Baby animals. lol.
69. E-mail buddy? ..... WHAT?
70. Joke? How do Germans tie their shoes? In little Nazis! (Knot-sies)
71. Saying? Live every day as if it were your last.
72. Word? ohhh man, too many
73. Brand of shoes? Adidas
74. Radio station? Well I don't really know any yet... lol
75. Room in your house? Too soon to say.. lol
76. Concert you have been to? Gym Class Heroes, Augustana, and soon Incubus
77. CD? Light Grenades by Incubus
78. President? HILLARY '08!
79. Salad? Garden w/ Italian Dressing
80. Meat? Steak. Medium well. 10 oz. sirloin does suffice.
81. Pizza topping? Just cheese
82. State? New York
83. City? Chicago
84. Lake? Michigan...?
85. Ocean? the Pacific
86. Place to be? Anywhere new, interesting, fun
87. Smell? Clinique's Happy, Lucky Girl or Very Sexy by Victoria's Secret
88. Sound? Music, and .. something else I'm not allowed to say :)
89. Taste? Cherries
90. Feeling? Love, true happiness
91. College? Psh. Loyola lol.
92. Number? 6
93. Book? Smack by Melvin Burgess
94. Vacation spot? Didn't I have this question already?
95. Grandma? My Grammy
96. Grandpa? El Espanol-speaking Abuelo!
97. Cereal? Trix
:+: Not-So-Favorite :+:
98. Car? Anything Isuzu
99. Colour? I love all colors
100. Teacher? Mrs. Hughes, fucking bitch
101. Class? English/Algebra
102. Day of the week and why? Sunday, just depressing. lol.
103. Holiday? St. Patrick's Day
104. Season? Early summer
105. Month? December
106. Sport? Basketball
107. Sports team? I don't really care to be honest
108. Male athlete? Don't care
109. Female athlete? Don't know any.. lol
110. Movie? Johnny Was. Don't ever waste your time watching this
111. Actress? That girl from School of Rock. Norton's girlfriend. Whatever his name was lol.
112. Actor? Jim Carrey
113. T.V. Show? Fishing channels.
114. Web site? I don't go on enough websites I guess
115. Food? Chinese
116. Drink? Vodka, gross.
117. Band? Green Day
118. Male singer? Billy Joel or whatever the hell
119. Female singer? Kelly Clarkson
120. Animal? Baboons, for obvious reasons
121. Store? The Limited
122. Video rental store? Blue Island Rental, that place sucks
123. E-mail buddy? Okay, what the hell is an e-mail buddy?
124. Joke? The banana-orange knock-knock joke
125. Saying? "Falling out of grace," it just sounds so stupid and cliché
126. Word? "Slutface" or anything of that nature
127. Brand of shoes? Reeboks
128. Radio station? Whatever, doesn't matter to me
129. Room in your house? Basement
130. Concert you have been to? Augustana
131. CD? I only have CD's I like lol
132. President? Bush
133. Salad? Caesar
134. Meat? Lamb..
135. Pizza topping? Mushroom
136. State? I'd guess ... southern Illinois lol.
137. City? Cairo, IL
138. Lake? I suppose I like them all
139. Ocean? Uhh.. the.. Arctic..
140. Place to be? School
141. Smell? Dead skunk, lol or recently activated skunk
142. Sound? Hair dryers
143. Taste? Egg soup from Lucky Dragon lol
144. Feeling? Feeling left out
145. Letter? They're all great
146. Date? February 4
147. Book? The Great Gatsby
148. Vacation spot? I don't vacation
149. Grandma? none
150. Grandpa? none
151. Cereal? Cocoa Pebbles
:+: In the Past 24-Hours Have You... :+:
152. Had a serious talk? Yes
153. Hugged someone? Yes
154. Fought with a friend? No but fought with a bitch
155. Cried? No
156. Laughed? Definitely
157. Made someone laugh? Yess
158. Bought something? Yes
159. Cut your hair? Nope, surprisingly
160. Felt stupid? Always
161. Talked to someone you love? Yes
162. Missed someone? Yes
:+: Have You Ever...:+:
163. Done drugs? Not once
164. Eaten an entire box of Oreos? ew.. Oreos
165. Been dumped? Yes
166. Had someone be unfaithful to you? Yes
167. Watched punky brewster? Who?
168. Hiked a mountain? I hiked a dune..?
169. Stayed home on Saturday night, just because? Yep
170. Been in love? Yes
171. Seen the white house? No
172. Seen the Eiffel tower? No
173. Tried smoking? Yes
174. Drank alcohol? Yes
175. Smoked marijuana? No
176. Played monopoly? Of course who hasn't
178. Seen titanic? Quite a number of times
179. Kissed someone? Yes!!
180. French kissed someone? Of course again haha
181. Lost your virginity? Yes
182. Tried a weight loss program? I really don't need one lol
183. Jumped on a trampoline? Yes
184. Visited another country? Yes
185. Colour in a colourings book (and had fun)? HELL YES
186. Had a bubble bath? Yes about a week ago lol
187. Been on a plane? Check
188. Been on a boat? Check
189. Been on a train? Check
190. Been in a car accident? Check
191. Ridden an elephant? Checkaroo
192. Made a web page? Multiple times
193. Played with Barbie's? Wow, lol not in years. But it was fun. I liked it.
194. Stayed up all night? Yep
195. Shoved stuff under your bed to make your room look clean? Nope
196. Broken a bone? Technically.... yes...
197. Called a psychic or sex hotline? Nada
198. Watched Jerry Springer? Yep
199. Gotten in trouble for talking in class? I guess.. lol
200. Been afraid of the dark? I still am
201. Been in the hospital (not visiting)? Yes
202. Had stitches? Yes
203. Dumped someone and regretted it? Yes
204. Went out with more than one person at a time? No
205. Lied? Yes
206. Been arrested? Nope
207. Fallen asleep in class? It's ridiculously comfortable...
208. Used food for something other than to eat? lol yes.
209. Met a celebrity? Yes
210. Broken the law? Yes
211. Ever loved someone so much it made you cry? Yes
212. Hated yourself? No.
213. Been broken hearted? Yes
214. Broken someone's heart? Unfortunately
215. Wanted to kill someone? YES. GRrr@%@(%&
216. Fell off a chair? not in a while, but yes
217. Lap danced? No
218. Been in a fistfight? Yes
219. Been in a catfight? Yes
:+: Do you...:+:
220. Like to give hugs? LOVE to
221. Like to walk in the rain? lol not really, but it's alright
222. Sleep with or without clothes on? With, thank you
223. Prefer black or blue pens? black
224. Dress up on Halloween? Nope
225. Have a job? Yes
226. Like to travel? Kind of
227. Like someone? Do they know? Yes, and yes.
228. Sleep on your side, tummy or back? My tummy :)
229. Think you're attractive? Yes, somewhat
230. Want to marry? Who? I don't know..!? but Yes, I do
231. Have a goldfish? My mom killed them, all 11 of them
232. Ever have the falling dream? All the time
233. Have stuffed animals? Only one
234. Go on vacation? Not anymore
:+: Other :+:
235. Do you believe in the horoscopes? Only when they apply to me
236. Do you like your handwriting? it's alright
237. If you could be anybody, who would you be and why? Angelina Jolie, because she's beautiful and driven.
238. What superhero would you be? Jessica Alba.. =[ hahaha
239. Do you have any piercings? Three
240. Any tattoos? Nope
241. If so where? Nowhere
242. If not, where and what do you want? That's a hard decision, I'd have to thik about it
243. Are you picky? Not so much anymore
244. What makes you cry? Random things.. lol
245. What makes you mad? pieces of shit named Mary
246. What do you think of eminem? He's got a buttchin! =P
247. Who do you admire? Angelina Jolie, Jesus she's everywhere in this thing.
248. Do you like cartoons? Eh, Family Guy
249. Do you believe in the devil? Nope
250. What is the one place you have to visit before you die? Italy and Greece
251. What did you do today? Woke up. lol.
252. Where do you work? Magworks Industrial.. :)
253. Do you even have a job you lazy bum? YES!
254. Are your parents lame? My mom is.
255. Do you own a miniskirt? Yes, but I never wear it
256. Do you floss? Should I?.. o.o
257. What is the farthest your have travelled? is Montreal or Florida farther?
258. Who is a diva? Mike D. Duh
259. What kind of shampoo do you use? John Frieda
260. What about conditioner? John Frieda
261. Do you use big words to sound smart? lol I use big words 'cause I AM smart.
262. When you get mad, do you swear a lot? I do regardless
263. Got milk? Hell yes
264. Do you have a magic 8 ball? I used to
265. Name something that comes in threes? The Three Stooges
266. Ever worn black nail polish? Yes
267. Do you have hairy arms? Well I guess
268. How many sheets are on your bed? 2
269. What's under your bed? Suitcases.. lol
270. Do you have your own TV and VCR? TV yes. VCR.......?
271. Do you believe in fate? No
272. Do you see dead people? Lol.. all the time..
273. Are you a good speller? Very much so. 2nd place baby.
274. What is your lucky charm? I don't have one
275. Why do you drive on a parkway and park on a driveway? Another way to confuse beginner drivers
276. Do you like little kids? Sometimes
277. Are you talented? Oh yes.
278. If so, how? I have various talents. :)
279. Ever hugged a tree? Seriously... lol.. I dont know
280. Do you watch the weather channel while getting ready in your hotel room on vacation? I honestly do, lol
281. Do you ever steal anything from hotels? Only the stuff you're allowed to steal
282. Ever seen a ghost? YES. I don't care if nobody believes me.
283. How about an alien? Unfortunately not.
284. Do you believe in either of them? Ghosts
:+: What do You Think About... :+:
285. Abortion? It should be illegal.
286. Bill Clinton? Who cares? lol
287. Smoking? Bad habit
288. Eating disorders? They're really screwed up
289. Rap? It's alright. It's definitely not my preference
290. Jerry Springer? lol God, he's so lame
291. Suicide? It's stupid, and selfish
292. South park? SIGH. Haven't watched that in forever.
293. Summer? I love summer
294. Tattoos? I want one, just one
295. Piercing? I want another!
296. Make-up? not necessary
297. Drinking? It's got a terrible reputation, but if you're logical it's fine
298. Girls? i fucking hate girls
299. Guys? WOO!
:+: What do You Think of When You Hear the Name...:+:
300. Jennifer? Ugly!
301. Leah? The 1990s.. lol
302. Megan? Annoying
303. Brandon? small.
304. Christina? Short
305. Stacey? lol Fox LUmber
306. Courtney? SLUT
307. Jeff? Jerk
308. Mike? Too many of those
309. Nikki? Ditzy/fake
310. Ryan? Graca!
311. Lauren? bitch
312. Tom? AND JERRY
313. Lisa? good singer
314. Kristi? color-coded
315. Matt? sigh. helpless.
316. Holly? .. christmas..
317. Jackie? Ugh.
318. Cait? alright.
319. Caroline? Zoom on Channel 11 lol
320. Joseph? LASSO
321. Sebb? whhaT?
322. Patrick? asshole
323. Aaron? Fruity
:+: Friends :+:
333. Freinds? PSH what friends.
334. Best friend? Position open to fill
335. Spend most time with? well I'm 6 hours away.. lol
336. Best house? Seth (so far, atleast)
337. Funniest? Keeney and Madera
338. Smartest? Devin
339. Hottest? Luke
340. Strongest? Palermo
341. Most athletic? Jonny
342. Knows you the best? Nobody really.
343. Most outgoing? Bobby
344. Most shy? Devin
345. Always negative? Devin
346. Which one let the dogs out? wtf?
347. Most trustworthy? Kendra
348. Most fun to be with? Kendra
349. Biggest flirt? Anzo!
350. Best dressed? Dom
351. Best eyes? TY
352. Most depressed? Lynn
353. One to gossip with? Jen
354. Sweetest? Palermo
355. Who has the best room? ME!
357. Who do you follow? I don't follow
358. Who do you pretend to like but cant stand? Nobody
359. Do you make friends easily? Yes
360. Are you intimidated by any of your friends? None.
361. If u were stranded on a desert island then which two of your friends would you want to be there with you? None :( I can't choose
362. Who do u think would help u the most if u were in trouble? Justino hahahah
363. Who do u think would risk their life to save yours? Hopefully all of them, I'd do the same
364. Who is the most popular? I feel comfortable saying Frias
365. Who is the most unpopular? That's mean.. :(
366. Who do you want to go to college with? Everyone, especially Keeney!
367. Who do you wish could be part of your family? lol None of them, it wouldn't be fun then.
368. Who is the biggest junk food junkie? Myself
370. Who do you think has the nicest siblings? I don't know..
371. Who do you think has the nicest mom? Dano
372. Who do you think has the nicest dad? Dominic
373. Who do you have the most inside jokes with? Luke
>> skip some
:+: Which do you Prefer... :+:
396. Pierced nose or tongue? Tongue
397. Be serious or funny? Funny
398. Single or taken? Taken
399. Simple or complicated? Simple
400. Law or anarchy? Law I suppose....
401. Mtv or vh1? Either
402. 7th haven or Dawson's creek? They both suck
403. Sugar or salt? Sugar
404. Silver or gold? Silver
405. Tongue or belly button ring? Belly button
406. Chocolate or flowers? Flowers
407. Angels or miracles? Miracles
408. Colour or black-and-white photos? Color
409. Sunrise or sunset? Sunset
410. M&M's or skittles? M&M's
411. Rap or rock? Rock
412. Stay up late or sleep in? Stay up late
413. TV or radio? Radio
414. Hot or cold? Hot
415. Tall members of the opposite sex or short? Taller
416. Sun or moon? Moon
417. What time is it? 10:37 AM
418. Diamond or ruby? Diamond
419. Left or right? Right
420. 10 acquaintances or 1 best friend? One best friend
421. Vanilla or chocolate? Chocolate
422. Kids or not? Kids
423. Cat or dog? Dog.. or duck
424. Half empty or half full? Half-full
425. Mustard or ketchup? Ketchup
426. Newspaper or magazine? Magazine
427. Spring or Autumn? Autumn
428. Give or receive? Give
429. Rain or snow? Rain
430. Lace or satin? Satin
431. A year of hot sex or a lifetime of friendship? A lifetime of friendship.
432. Happy or sad? Happy
433. Corduroy or plaid? Plaid
434. Wonder or amazement? Amazement
435. Trainers or sandals? what?
436. McDonalds or Burger King? Burger King
437. Blondes or brunettes? Brunettes
438. Mexican or Italian food? Italian
439. Lights on or off? Off
440. Duct tape or scotch tape? Scotch
441. Candy or soda? Candy
442. A house in the woods or the city? The city
443. Pepsi or coke? Coke
444. Nike or adidas? Adidas
:+: Love Life :+:
445. Do you have a crush? Yes
446. What's his or her name? Luke
447. How old are they? 17
448. How long have you liked him or her? Since 8th grade. lol.
449. If you could kiss anyone in the world, who would it be? Luke
450. If you could date anyone in the world, who would it be? lol I am. OR Jake Gyllenhaal lol
451. What is the biggest turn off? disrespect, bad hygiene.
452. What is the biggest turn on? protective, funny, clever, wise, strong, etc etc etc
453. Do you prefer being the dumper or the dumpee? Neither
454. Do you think there is a person for everyone? Yes
455. If yes, do you know whom yours is? Nope
456. Where is the best place to be kissed? The neck, the lips
457. Where is the most romantic place to take a date? Anywhere that means something
458. Do you believe in love at first sight? Yes
459. Have you ever been in love? Yes
460. What do you think love is? Disregarding anybody else's opinions, comments, and remarks and being positive you're happy with your other person no matter what anybody says.
470. Do you have a b/f or g/f? Yes
471. Do you want one? Got one
472. How long have you been together? About.... a little more than a month. But a few years in retrospect.
473. What do you like about your crush or b/f, g/f? Everything
474. When was your first kiss? what kind of kiss? February 14, a peck. lol. A rather off-centered one at that
:+: For Girls Only :+:
475. What do you look for in a guy? personality, attractiveness, sense of humor, chivalry, able to have fun
476. Tough or hardcore guy? Tough
477. Sweet or innocent guy? Sweet
478. Smart or athletic guys? Smart
488. Favourite cologne on a guy? Curve or Jake
489. Best gift a guy could give? His time, to confide in you
490. Flowers... Sweet or wasteful? Sweet
491. Sweetest guy you know? Many, lol.
****4 guys only ****
492. What do you look for in a girl?
493. Describe your dream girl?
494. Long hair or short hair on a girl?
495. Straight or curly hair on a girl?
496. Best gift a girl could give?
497. Favourite perfume on a girl?
498. Would you go out with an older girl?
499. Girls with long or short nails?
500. Sweetest girl you know?
:+: Past :+:
501. First grade teacher's name? Mrs. Fox
502. Last phrase you said? "talk to you later, bye" (phone)
503. Last song you sang? Take Our Clothes Off - GCH
504. Last meal you ate? Trix
505. Favourite childhood cartoon? Rocko's Modern Life
506. What did you hate most about school? School. lol
507. Last person you flipped off? I don't remember
508. Last song stuck in your head? Take our Clothes Off
509. What line/verse? from the song? "We have to take our.. clothes off.. we have to party.. all night!" WOOO!
510. Last time you were burned? A few days ago
511. How? My hand was on the straightener.. lol
512. Last time you cried? About two days ago
513. Favourite game show as a child? The Price is Right
:+: Present :+:
514. What's in your CD player? I have an iPod. Get with the times. lol
515. What colour socks are you wearing? none
516. What's under your bed? ope, had this question already.
517. What's the weather like? sunny ish.
518. What is on your pin board? Don't have oneeee
519. What time did you wake up today? 9:15 am
520. Did you think it was earlier, later, or on time? earlier
:+: Future :+:
521. Who do you want to marry? lol jeez, I don't know
522. Are you going to college? Yes
523. If so, how long do you want to go?: However long
524. Where do you want to go? Loyola
525. What is your career going to be?: No clue
526. Where are you going to live? Somewhere warm
257. How many kids do you want? A couple
528. Kids names girls? No clue
529. Kids names boys? Still no clue
530. Where do you want your honeymoon? Nooo cluee
531. What kind of car will you have? !?? stupid questions!
532. What kind of house will you have? A nice big one
533. Do you like this survey? eh, it gets more boring every year.
534. Is this one of the best surveys you've ever taken? I guess
535. How about the most unique? No
536. Have you gotten most of these questions on another survey? Yes
537. Do you like to answer questions? Some
538. Are you getting annoyed with this survey? YES!
539. If you are, are you going to delete questions off of the bottom
because your bored? good idea...
>>> skip questions.....
669. What time is it now? 10:47 AM
|I KNOW HOW IT FEELS
May 5th 5.16pm]
Where do I begin? For two years I've (for lack of a better word) ruined my own life. I've never been so upset with myself or my decisions, and if I could give anything.. it would be to take everything back. I have come to resent my actions yet I still pursue empty thoughts and dreams. It is ridiculous to conclude that a person should not regret anything, because that is how lessons are learned. It is truly how people grow and, in some cases, decline. I am living now in a slow, albeit changing environment - which is what I've always wanted, isn't it? Call it Karma, but I've gotten what I wanted.
I don't know what is better for me, to try and change what I've ultimately exhausted or to accept the consequences and just live with it?
This is the epitome of angst, and again, I resent myself for it. I know it's there and I feel it yet I am unable to control it or manipulate it like I have other things, and people, in my life.
I miss you so much more than I ever have. I don't search for other people, but I search for you in them. You are the staple of ideal, in my eyes, and always have been. My jealousy and misleading goals have not only driven me from you, but from myself. I'm not sure if my feelings are faint or if they're stronger than they've ever been; you're distant but closer to my heart than ever before. I am not myself if I am not with you. For two years I've fooled myself into believing I was somebody else, and because of my own imperfection I let it remain that way. I cannot be with a person without trying to find who you are in them. I look for everything to lead me back to what I've loved the most in my life. I search for your intelligence, for your morals and values, your most amazing qualities, your body and your emotions. I am looking in the wrong places for somebody who was before me for years. I took for granted what I've never taken seriously. I've never taken advantage of having you with me, and of living peacefully beside myself for the first time in two years.
I've experienced enough so that I can accept you do not have the desire to experience anything more with me. I find myself relating everything to you and to us, rather what was "us." I don't want to say that I hate myself for it, but Jesus Christ, I do. I love you so much. I am such a jealous person. I want somebody to guide me when I am blinded by myself. I want somebody who isn't afraid of telling me I am wrong but isn't too bold to tell me what to do. I need stability and laughter and passion, I need to be challenged and loved and protected and admired, and I haven't had that in the longest time and I haven't succeeded in finding it since.
I am wrong for acting the way I do, but I know I am not wrong for being infatuated and in love with everything you are. I don't feel as if I am good enough, but have never felt this way before. I have never been so low, and I know exactly what it is from. I lack substance in everything I do and choose to associate myself with. I have lost everything about me and have slowly come to realize that it is irremediable... I've never spent so many days with my head so low, and with my mindset so cynical. It is all because I am absent of you.
I need you back more than anything but will never tell you this. I will not impinge on what you have come to find peace in and I refuse to let you see me like this, because you won't be looking at me. You will be confronted with the remainders of true love and the pitiful fragments of what I was, that of which I will never stop pursuing.
I would love more than anything to be happy again with you. But I will never tell you that, because you are the only person that is capable of exposing who I really am, and I let you go too many times. It is my fault and I fully accept it. I will never stop loving you, more than I have any other person in my life, but I will never tell you. You are your own person now and it is up to me to find myself again, even if it takes years still. Just know that you are the only person in my life that has ever impacted me this much, and I've never once forgotten you for it and I never will. I love you Luke Anthony Paterno.
|HOW THE HELL...
March 4th 2.38am]
This is ridiculous. I'm a little more miserable than I've ever been. Completely ridiculous though. I just read my entry from 43 weeks ago. HA, forty-three weeks and I'm back to being heartbroken and whatnot. It seems like all of my new loves and heartbreaks begin and end in this LiveJournal.
This is a sign for a new one.
Jonny. What can I say. The first 3 months (maybe 4?) were definitely amazing. The subsequent 5½ were generally close to hell. Not every day though. Only every other day.
To sum things up quickly, I was lied to on multiple occasions; I was cheated on with a 14-year-old girl; I was taken for granted and ignored half of the time; I was hated by more people at one point in time than I was in my entire life; I was misunderstood (boo-hoo); I am miserable.
Thank you, Jonathan, for being a huge disappointment. I wanted nothing more than for things to have worked out, like they should have. Then again, isn't that how everybody is? I guess I'm not the only one. It just really fucking sucks to have invested so much of yourself into a person who turned out to be a douchebag. It's a huge fucking disappointment. I wrote earlier that, "atleast I'll know I was this happy" or something. Yeah. That means shit right about now.
I have concocted a list of things I hate as of the past few weeks - and, in general, the past few months:
1.) Girls. Girls with butt-chins and chin dimples too.
3.) The Chicago Bears (No, not because of Rex Grossman or anything. But because I just hate them.)
4.) Summer sausage.
5.) Oak Forest
6.) Lonestar Steak House
7.) Illinois State University
8.) Anybody who knows Christopher Kemp
9.) Sometimes, Christopher Kemp
10.) Girls. Mother fucking vaginas, you're all misery
12.) George Orwell and his book
13.) The batting cages in Alsip
15.) The Petricks. Every last one of them. And all of their crippled dogs.
I notice I've become a seriously depressed and ridiculously pessimistic individual. Me this time last year would have knocked my teeth straight.
My mother is never here, but I don't know why I complain about it. I think I complain because I expect more out of her. God knows why? Seriously. I'm such a dumbass. I should just be grateful she's out of my hair. I'm seriously considering stealing her Malibu and putting the 5 dozen of rotten eggs she expects us to cook every night for five days under her mattress.
I hate Cadillacs!!!!!
I have a lot to be pissed about. I also have some time before I will be gone and out of Oak Lawn, and free to forget everything agonizing it has left me to think about.
I give up on men (rather, boys).
Woohoo Evansville! I love hot weather and steel!
|I'M SORRY... KIND OF
October 14th 3.51pm]
I want to say sorry to everybody who was worrying, or looking, for me last night.
Then again, I don't want to say sorry because most of you are pissed at me for a completely wrong reason and I'm tired of trying to explain myself.
||most recent entries